26 Weeks Pregnant
Last night I got a text from a friend, excited upon hearing that Cyrus and I were pregnant. He asked, "How does it feel?". It's a simple question, really, and one that I gave a brief, positive but realistic answer to. "Some days are tougher than others, but keeping active helps!"
I put my phone down and took a bath. As the loud water rushed into the tub I thought about it more. I know that pregnancy has changed me in several ways already. I used to be weirded out by pregnancy. I had never spent much time with pregnant women - friends, family, or otherwise. I hadn't read much about it because it wasn't of interest to me. I was sure I wouldn't have children for several reasons ranging from the fear I had about them ruining one's life to a responsibility I felt for the future of the planet. These were all stupid, unfounded reasons stemming from my own insecurity and immaturity, but still. It was terrifying to think of creating a small human that I would be responsible for the rest of my life.
Then I met Cyrus. And for ten years we have lived and loved and adventured. It took me a while but I did finally reach a point where I knew I wanted to have a child with him. I surprised myself. So first, I'll say that pregnancy feels surprising.
Pregnancy also feels uncomfortable. In the first trimester I could feel my body changing more than I do now in the second. I had nausea, I was thirsty all the time, I woke up many times in the night to pee. My body was working hard to accommodate a growing human and it took a toll on me. And I had it relatively easy compared to others.
Sometimes pregnancy hurts, like when my muscles and joints ache due to my body's increased production of relaxin and progesterone and other hormones. Or my sciatic nerve pinches and burns, Or when I get the rare headache but can't take ibuprofen and only Tylenol. Or when I eat and immediately get heartburn. Or when I eat a few bites and my stomach feels as though it is stretching and ripping apart. Luckily these unfortunate incidents are punctuated by days where I feel mostly normal and healthy.
Pregnancy feels funny, like when Rambo squirms around in my belly and flips this way or that. The feelings are reassuring and let me know he is real, but the simple fact that there is a small human whose physical movements I can see is straight up hilarious.
Pregnancy feels good. For so many reasons pregnancy makes me feel good. My mood has been mostly positive since I stopped menstruating. Typically, my hormones take me on a wild monthly ride, but being pregnant has helped me maintain an even-keel feeling and generally rosy outlook on life and the world. I'm still aware of the world's problems, like climate change, terrible drivers, and evil people in power, but I feel like I can change the world, rather than feeling like I'm being sucked down a drain. Additionally I feel better about myself. I'm not unkind to myself the way I was before, which brings me to the next way pregnancy makes me feel:
Pregnancy feels scary, like when I think about my body readjusting to not being pregnant and I get my periods again. I have been so happy these last few months. I want to be like this forever. I can't imagine being plagued by hormonal shifts completely beyond my control. That is a truly terrifying thought. I'm also afraid of the day Rambo and I separate and he is untethered in this world. I have doubts about my ability to be a good mother. I'm afraid of the strains parenthood will put on my relationship with Cyrus. I'm afraid of the tidal wave of responsibility coming for us. Deep down I know we can do this, and do this well. But the fear is real, and it's there, lurking in the back of my mind.
Pregnancy also feels wonderful. Like, when I can run three miles or backpack 9 miles with 25 pounds on my back and sleep in the wilderness. Unfortunately, the average American has influenced the medical community in negative ways. The average American is overweight, eats a terrible diet, is sedentary, and the average American pregnant woman can have a host of problems including hypertension, gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, etc. So doctors are overly cautious. They tend to treat all pregnant women the same. They apply the same rules to all of us. This is changing, but slowly. This casts doubts on my abilities and what activities I should be doing. But I keep doing what I love, like running, hiking, and backpacking. I listen to my body, and although it doesn't perform like my pre-pregnancy body, I feel strong, and that is a wonderful feeling. It also feels wonderful to eat for two, and when I say "eat for two" I don't mean doubling my calorie intake, but considering which foods are best for me and Rambo. So we eat very healthy, and that significantly contributes to feeling wonderful.
Above all, pregnancy feels like love. Rambo is the product of great, Earth-shattering, life-changing, monumental, Love. Rambo will be loved. He will be surrounded and influenced by love. He will grow up in a house full of love. Love is the only thing worth living for. Love for a husband, love for one's self, love for a place, love for a time. Love.
Last night I got a text from a friend, excited upon hearing that Cyrus and I were pregnant. He asked, "How does it feel?". It's a simple question, really, and one that I gave a brief, positive but realistic answer to. "Some days are tougher than others, but keeping active helps!"
I put my phone down and took a bath. As the loud water rushed into the tub I thought about it more. I know that pregnancy has changed me in several ways already. I used to be weirded out by pregnancy. I had never spent much time with pregnant women - friends, family, or otherwise. I hadn't read much about it because it wasn't of interest to me. I was sure I wouldn't have children for several reasons ranging from the fear I had about them ruining one's life to a responsibility I felt for the future of the planet. These were all stupid, unfounded reasons stemming from my own insecurity and immaturity, but still. It was terrifying to think of creating a small human that I would be responsible for the rest of my life.
Then I met Cyrus. And for ten years we have lived and loved and adventured. It took me a while but I did finally reach a point where I knew I wanted to have a child with him. I surprised myself. So first, I'll say that pregnancy feels surprising.
Pregnancy also feels uncomfortable. In the first trimester I could feel my body changing more than I do now in the second. I had nausea, I was thirsty all the time, I woke up many times in the night to pee. My body was working hard to accommodate a growing human and it took a toll on me. And I had it relatively easy compared to others.
Sometimes pregnancy hurts, like when my muscles and joints ache due to my body's increased production of relaxin and progesterone and other hormones. Or my sciatic nerve pinches and burns, Or when I get the rare headache but can't take ibuprofen and only Tylenol. Or when I eat and immediately get heartburn. Or when I eat a few bites and my stomach feels as though it is stretching and ripping apart. Luckily these unfortunate incidents are punctuated by days where I feel mostly normal and healthy.
Pregnancy feels funny, like when Rambo squirms around in my belly and flips this way or that. The feelings are reassuring and let me know he is real, but the simple fact that there is a small human whose physical movements I can see is straight up hilarious.
Pregnancy feels good. For so many reasons pregnancy makes me feel good. My mood has been mostly positive since I stopped menstruating. Typically, my hormones take me on a wild monthly ride, but being pregnant has helped me maintain an even-keel feeling and generally rosy outlook on life and the world. I'm still aware of the world's problems, like climate change, terrible drivers, and evil people in power, but I feel like I can change the world, rather than feeling like I'm being sucked down a drain. Additionally I feel better about myself. I'm not unkind to myself the way I was before, which brings me to the next way pregnancy makes me feel:
Pregnancy feels scary, like when I think about my body readjusting to not being pregnant and I get my periods again. I have been so happy these last few months. I want to be like this forever. I can't imagine being plagued by hormonal shifts completely beyond my control. That is a truly terrifying thought. I'm also afraid of the day Rambo and I separate and he is untethered in this world. I have doubts about my ability to be a good mother. I'm afraid of the strains parenthood will put on my relationship with Cyrus. I'm afraid of the tidal wave of responsibility coming for us. Deep down I know we can do this, and do this well. But the fear is real, and it's there, lurking in the back of my mind.
Pregnancy also feels wonderful. Like, when I can run three miles or backpack 9 miles with 25 pounds on my back and sleep in the wilderness. Unfortunately, the average American has influenced the medical community in negative ways. The average American is overweight, eats a terrible diet, is sedentary, and the average American pregnant woman can have a host of problems including hypertension, gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, etc. So doctors are overly cautious. They tend to treat all pregnant women the same. They apply the same rules to all of us. This is changing, but slowly. This casts doubts on my abilities and what activities I should be doing. But I keep doing what I love, like running, hiking, and backpacking. I listen to my body, and although it doesn't perform like my pre-pregnancy body, I feel strong, and that is a wonderful feeling. It also feels wonderful to eat for two, and when I say "eat for two" I don't mean doubling my calorie intake, but considering which foods are best for me and Rambo. So we eat very healthy, and that significantly contributes to feeling wonderful.
Above all, pregnancy feels like love. Rambo is the product of great, Earth-shattering, life-changing, monumental, Love. Rambo will be loved. He will be surrounded and influenced by love. He will grow up in a house full of love. Love is the only thing worth living for. Love for a husband, love for one's self, love for a place, love for a time. Love.
Comments
Post a Comment