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Lonely (Day 121)

4 months. I think. It's hard to say. Q: How long are women actually pregnant? A: 280 days from last period to delivery. Doctor says I'm 19 weeks but I know exactly when it all went down so I know that the baby has actually been cooking for precisely 17 weeks. Whatever. All moved into the new house. It no longer looks like we live in a flea market. Working full days on top of it. Trying to exercise but it's 105 F every day. Still, ran 4 miles on Sunday morning, hiked 6 miles on Monday and 5.5 today. Tired but feeling good. No more nausea. Many thoughts. Not always loving pregnancy and feeling sorry for myself but know this is ridiculous and I am privileged and should not complain. But I'm going to anyway. Pregnancy feels lonely. Even though there is a little person inside me, accompanying me at all times. Even though so many women have gone through it and share their stories via blog posts and Podcasts, it still feels lonely because those women are not me. They're not my friends. I don't know them. Find myself hating this Western culture where women indulge in fear and feeling sorry for themselves. Wish I could find other perspectives more easily but my Pinterest feed is full of shit. The Alpha Mom calendar has provided some good laughs, however. Maybe should join a group? Ha. No.

Rambo has been moving around a little lately and last night Cyrus got to feel some real kicks. It was pretty exciting and also terrifying because he's only the size of a banana. What about when he's bigger? What are those kicks going to feel like? Realizing I'm actually going to have to push this thing through my vagina. Not to mention raising him. Trying not to panic. Thus, reading "Mindful Birthing" by Nancy Bardacke. And a dozen other pregnancy and parenting books...

Ugh, "Parenting". Nope, not going to do it. Fuck those overly careful, helicopter parents. I want it to be like the old days where kids were sent outside to fend for themselves for the day. No cell phones. No internet. I was given a house key at the age of 9 and looked after my brother alone by the age of 10. Can parents go to jail for doing that now? I know there are some crazy recommendations for how old kids should be before they're allowed out of a car seat. *face palm*.




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